She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
