I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
