I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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