I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
