we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
