You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Found the puke drawer
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
