I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
