Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
