I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
