i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
