wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
