Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
