What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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