sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
