just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
