I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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