My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
