guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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