You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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