plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
