tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
