Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
