just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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