Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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