i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
