so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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