my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
