Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We got so high we made milksteak
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
