just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
