I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
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