I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
