I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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