So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
