i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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