Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
