from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
