just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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