if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
