You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
