If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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