The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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