We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
