does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You have to summon your inner elephant
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
