I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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