im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
