everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
