So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i think my cat just said my name.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
