I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
