we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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