shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
