Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
