Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
