To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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