Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
